2018 for me was a year of significant endings and death.
It very much felt like a year of being curled up in a fetal position deep in my healing cave.
I had pulled myself away from the rest of the world and I had very much retreated inward. This was required. This was the season of my life I was currently in. It was an intense time. A defining dark night of the soul period. A time where nothing really made sense anymore. An eruption in my life where I felt a deep sense of meaninglessness.
Separation and divorce have a tendency to do that to you.
But one positive and surprising benefit that came from all of this was my sober curious experiment (because I do love a good challenge) and I am happy to say I am now 7 months sober.
Although I hadn’t been a heavy drinker for over a decade, through the confusion, darkness, and despair of 2018 I found myself returning to some old destructive patterns and one of those was numbing through alcohol (wine). So what that looked like was sitting alone drinking a glass of wine (or two and sometimes even three) a couple of evenings in the week. I also had never really been a solo drinker before so this was a whole new experience for me (and to be honest a frightening one at that).
I saw how alcohol had been a big theme in my marriage. It was how my ex-husband and I relaxed. It was how we opened up and were vulnerable to one another. It was how we were intimate with one another. It was not how I desired my next relationship to be and I knew I would have to personally change this before calling in my next life partner.
I certainly was not an alcoholic by any means. But I don’t believe you need to be an alcoholic to look at and change your relationship with alcohol.
I am incredibly sensitive but in particular, I am body sensitive which means what I chose to put into my body can affect me positively or negatively.
By the time the end of 2018 came around, I was overweight, my face and eyes were puffy, my health was starting to deteriorate, I was anxious and all my clothes felt tight. But most of all I didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t like the person I was becoming on alcohol. It took me out of my natural playful, cheeky and mischievous nature and instead spiraled me into a dark, flat, negative and depressive state where my energy felt heavy and dense.
What I realised during that time was this, I was using alcohol as a crutch. I was masking every real feeling and emotion behind the wine. This felt destructive to me and I felt like I was not living in accordance with my highest values.
So I chose to reassess my relationship with alcohol. I initially set myself on a 90-day sober challenge with the intention of checking in at that point and possibly continuing for 12 months.
I am now seven months into that challenge and I honestly have never felt better.
I am personally better without alcohol in my system. My mind is clearer.
I feel more whole, complete and authentic. I desire to be the real me 100% of the time whereas I felt alcohol took some of that from me.
I didn’t want to be that woman hiding any part of myself behind alcohol. There were feelings and emotions that needed to be processed and felt.
I didn’t want to be that woman that needs a drink to feel confident or assertive. I want to feel and know real confidence from within.
I was bored with alcohol but most of all I was bored with how it made me feel.
I was in Vienna in February and upon my return, I just silently decided I was giving up alcohol.
Of course, I was initially scared of how others would take my decision. I initially thought people would perceive me as being “boring” or “no fun”. It’s interesting how we’ve in some way come to the conclusion that we somehow need alcohol to have fun?
I was afraid I would no longer be invited to social outings and I wasn’t entirely sure how my life was going to be without alcohol because everything up until then (weddings, birthdays, dinner parties, etc) included alcohol.
Seven months in and I have never felt freer than I do right now. I have realised that alcohol had been robbing one of my highest personal values “freedom”.
I am loving the freedom that comes from choosing to live a sober curious life. The freedom to show up exactly as I am. The freedom of having zero hangovers. The freedom of driving to social gatherings.
My sober curious journey has asked me to go deeper within and it has very much felt like another spiritual awakening for me because there is nowhere to hide now.
These days I am sitting with it all. Dark and light. I have never felt so free than I do right now with being able to sit with and express all of my feelings, no matter how dark they are.
My sober curious journey has asked me to be more vulnerable, more real and more courageous. I am all of those things today because I’ve chosen to change my relationship with alcohol and remove it from my life.
I hope my sharing today inspires you to look at your relationship to your attachments in your life and if you’re curious to learn more on this topic it’s going to be a big focus at our Reclaim Your Detox Retreat next month in the Blue Mountains.
Join us for what will be a life-changing and memorable weekend of deep healing and connection as you peel back the layers to your true authentic self!
And if you’d like to book in for a chat to see if this retreat is right for you right now and to ask me any questions you can do so here (you’ll be speaking with me directly), you can do here.
We want to make this retreat available to everyone and so we are offering a very feasible payment plan.
All my love,