I’ve been a blubbering mess (if there’s such a word) for the past couple of weeks and I’ve been crying for days. I’ve to apologise for being off the radar for the past little while. In all honesty, I’ve been really struggling. I feel like I’m going through a massive shift and transformation right now and my guides were signalling for me to ”stop, create space and reflect”. I’m changing, my life is changing and with that I feel a great shift and change occurring in my business and blog. I’m not sure where its taking me to next but I feel it’s going to be big.
Its about time I got really honest with you.
When I initially set up my business and blog, I set the blog up because I felt I had to and was not out of a desire or want as most people do. I realise now that it wasn’t from an authentic place or space.
I was petrified, I wasn’t a writer – what did I know about writing. I only started reading in my early-twenties. So I pushed myself, like I have a tendency to do in pretty much all areas of my life (which normally stands well for me)!
After a while though the writing got easier and I really started to enjoy the process and found it to be very therapeutic and healing. But again, I wasn’t really wholeheartedly reflecting my true self. I was choosing comfortable and easy topics (recipes, health, foodie stuff etc) that didn’t really require me to open up and give too much of my self away.
I spent one whole month in India in February this year (a trip for my heart and soul). I had a lot of time to reflect while in India and I had a realisation that I was bored with my blog and writing. In the last year, I’ve really started to connect more with my heart and soul, and this was one of the very reasons I created ”Creating A Soulful Life” program.
I realised that something had been missing, I was feeling a little empty and lost inside. I knew I had more in me to share with the world. I’d been choosing the easy option though, by choosing those topics that came easily but also that I could easily hide behind.
HARD lesson in authenticity
In early March I commenced my first part of Kundalini Teacher Training where I learned a very HARD lesson in authenticity.
I had a wonderful opportunity to teach a kundalini class on Day 2 of our training. Was I nervous? Hell YES! But I saw it to be an opportunity to get feedback and grow and learn and hence I jumped at the chance!
So I taught my class, it was challenging. Teaching Kundalini is very different to teaching Hatha yoga and I finished the class feeling very unsatisfied. Feedback came from my fellow trainees and I felt they were just saying kind words to not hurt me. Next came feedback from one of the main teachers. I felt so naked, like I was being torn and stripped apart. She could see right through me, I was not being Authentic. I was not being me. Part of me felt so relieved as I was exhausted with being that people pleaser. When your being unauthentic it drains the life force from you.
When I teach Hatha I love to inspire, my classes become like teachings of life. I prepare so much for these classes, I put so much heart in to these classes but you see I’ve not been Authentic and really true to myself.
If I was being authentic I’d be allowing myself to come from that space of my heart in the moment. I’d be trusting that the words would just flow. I’ve been AFRAID, I’ve been PETRIFIED in all honesty. I’ve been so scared to show people the real me. I’ve been covering up the silences with words. I’ve noticed for a while that I’ve being missing something from teaching and I can see now what that something was. Its the silence, its creating and providing a healing space for my students to heal at a very DEEP level. I can see now just how powerful and transformational Kundalini Yoga is and I wholeheartedly want to share this with the world.
These words had to come to me. As excruciatingly painful they were at the time I can see just how important it is to live and speak my truth. I feel like someone has woken me up from a very long sleep! I feel so humbly grateful to my teacher to have the courage to speak up and wake me up.
My action plan
Its really forcing me to take a serious look at all areas of my life to see where I need to STEP UP and be more authentic.
Sera Beak so wisely saids that embodying our soul is about living from the inside out and calls for us to ask ourselves on a daily, hourly, and even minute to minute basis; ‘Does this relationship, place, job, group, teacher, class etc feel true and authentic to my soul” and then we have to courageously act on the answer that our soul provides.
Sometimes it requires letting go of everything we have (as frightening and as scary as it seems), stripping and peeling back all those pieces and layers that no longer feel authentic to our soul until we’re left with nothing . We have the opportunity then to start all over again from an authentic space.
Life at the moment is feeling shaky, rocky, scary, sad, confusing, teary and shattering. But as I continue on this path to living my truth and embodying my soul I trust that I’m being fully supported every single step of the way.
Where in your life are you hiding? Where have you been untrue to yourself? What can you do this week, to make a start in the right direction?
Thank you for letting me share this journey with you.
Love, Light + Deep Gratitude,
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